I believe under every conflict is care and yet people are plagued by conflict, we run away from it. Imagine a person who has the habit of smoking in bed, since he cannot stand the noise of the smoke alarm every time his bed catches fire he moves from house to house
We act in the same way when we see anger or conflict we move away at all costs!
Our feelings or physical changes are our internal signal to let us know there is a problem or an unmet need… Like an oil light on the dashboard, we wouldn’t ignore the oil light because we know something more serious will happen in time.
Lets first look at how we often communicate.
People can be put on the spot, even if we don’t mean it- e.g.talking louder, coming physically closer etc.
When we label someone we create an enemy image in our mind- we reflect this static evaluation in future interactions.
Thousands of years of learning has taught us to compare, judge and blame.
Most of us are skilled at analysing, diagnosing and labelling people.
If I am wanting a colleague to share their resources, but express myself by calling them “greedy”. Chances are they will refuse to share. I then take this as proof they are indeed greedy. We get satisfaction out of this form of communication because we can prove we are right.
All too often we spend energy in our interactions provingwho’s right and who’s wrong.
Lets use Our Precious Energy for what we love doing instead being more creative and having fun while making a living.Our precious energy can be spent more wisely.
Conflicts can arise from
- Past Issues with our parents can keep us stuck in patterns or habits that do not serve us
- Exposure to traumatic situations
- Physical injury
- Bullying and harassment
- Financial debt
- Drug and alcohol addiction
- Marital conflict
These can all impact our lives and our workplace
It would be nice if all those love songs and movies were true, if it was just as simple as finding the ‘right one’.
We also imagine that if we have the right product/service, the right website, the right people in our organisation we will succeed!
We think we won’t have conflict!
Lets imagine you have confided in somebody or they have confided in you.
Here are some things that we don’t like to hear when we are in pain.
Advise:“If you said something nice to her I’m sure she’d be
nice back to you”
‘Oh don’t worry about her, she’ll get over it’!
Commiserate: “That’s terrible. She had no right to do that to you”
Fixing:“What will help you is to…..”
One-upping:“You should hear what happened to me….”
Sympathise:“You poor thing,”
Story-tell:“That reminds me of ….”
These will often discourage us and disconnect us from the each other.
There is something so sad to me about two people being brave enough to come together to have a difficult conversation and in the first few minutes they screw it up because they don’t know how to fight for a win-win.
You may be being a clear as you know how and cannot get your message across or you maybe angry and no one wants to hear your message.
We steer clear of conflict because we don’t want to fail we don’t want to be wrong or think we will make things worse. sometimes we get brave and without skills we try to solve the conflict and it does get worse-so we prove ourselves right! Again!
We love being right.
When we label or create an enemy image in our mind, this reflects in future interactions.
Communication skills will assist you in dealing with major blocks to understanding others and helping others understand you and with things we all do such as demands, diagnoses and blaming.
Learning Communication skills can:
- Calm the wild raging dogs in your family, your workplace or yourself
- Receive or deliver difficult or hostile messages without taking them personally, giving in or losing self-esteem
- Alter patterns of behaviour that contribute to anger and arguments
- Stay calm and compassionate even in the most difficult circumstances
- Sharpen your assertiveness skills
- Manage anger and stress and heal past pain in relationships
- Boost performance, creativity, teamwork, and profits
- Have more energy!
Whether you are warring with yourself or contemplating a conflict with someone else it can be exquisitely painful and you don’t have to do it in that old painful way any longer.
I like it simple!
I believe relationships you put in all the ‘right’ ingredients and it still ends up like a blender with the lid off!
If your lid is off please get help. Go here for a feelings list and universal needs list which might help.
Let’s use Our Precious Energy for what we love doing instead being more creative and having fun while making a living
Thank you for committing your precious energy to reading this.
PS: I’m holding a 2.5hr mini workshop in Sydney’s Northern Beaches on 22nd October, 2014 and offering2 for the price of 1 tickets. Email me here for more details and to reserve your ticket.
Glyn is passionate about communicating the truth with care. She realised an unclaimed source of her own energy is when she can free herself from guilt. Once this freedom is reached she found she could think and communicate more simply and clearly with the courage to ask for what she wanted. Glyn now enables others to more easily have their message heard and the listener more readily agrees to their requests.