We could also replace fear with anger, or my concerns, or frustration, disappointment, sadness, or irritation….
[BLOCKQUOTE]Anger – an alternative definition-‘they are helping me understand there is something painful going on inside them’, quite possibly fear.[/BLOCKQUOTE]
When we are in fear we will do two things; run or fight, which is why fear can look like anger.
Here are some things we are advised to do that will not help when we are in conflict whether it’s going on inside our own head or with another.
Don’t sweat the small stuff/time heals We think it’s only a small thing, we say to ourselves ‘I will let it slide, I don’t want it to seem like I’m making a big deal of it by bringing it up now’.
Often the little things get bigger, its better to talk about it as it occurs.
You’re either a natural or you’re not We think we should be able to communicate and that everyone else can do it effortlessly, so we tell ourselves, I should be able to. This is so frustrating for me to hear from clients, it is not taught in schools and if it’s not taught at home, how would you know how to communicate. We just think everyone else is communicating smoothly because we don’t hear differently. People don’t talk about their failed communication style, although, they might talk about how unfair someone has been and as a friend we will buy into that ‘story’ and support their story of unfairness.
You can learn how to communicate compassionately and respectfully.
Talk to your friends-better than not talking at all Your friends want to help yet sometimes they don’t have the skills. It’s definitely better to talk to them than not to talk about our worries at all. Even after talking to a friend, I find the stress or triggers all come flooding back three days, three weeks or 3 months after. A good skill to have is one where you can self-counsel, like the one I share.
Demanding or asking repeatedly we think, If I keep telling our staff/children to do it, they will eventually do it. NOPE! This will not work, so I would ask them if there is something that they know of that’s stopping them from doing what you have asked. At least that opens up the conversation. There really might be something upsetting them about your request or their ability to carry it out.
When we are ANGRY with others, we are doing two things:
- THINKING THAT THEY CAUSED OUR FEELINGS;
- THINKING, “THEY SHOULD HAVE …
(done or said something else)”
We are about to act in a way that will probably guarantee we won’t get what we need or worse, we will regret our words or behaviour later.
When people do things out of anger and they later regret the behaviour, guess that’s why we have families in conflict for years and the prison system.
The Nonviolent Compassionate Communication process encourages us to hear each other in a way that evokes respect and a curiosity about the other person.
For the step by step process and more information please visit www.keystoneskills.com.au/how-it-works.com.au
Step 1 when you are angry is to remove yourself from the area or person and do not say a word!
I would take several deep long slow breaths Then look at what sensations are in your body, emotions, feelings and name them.
Step 2 what are the needs you imagine are screaming out to be met in this moment.
Check www.keystoneskills.com.au/how-it-works.html for a list of organisational human needs. Name the ones most stirring for you.
It will help if you write this down instead of keeping it in your head.
Now imagine the need is met, go to another scene in your memory where you have had that need abundantly met. Play the scene in your head.
Finally, with that need in mind what could you ask for, a plan of action, asking something of yourself or someone else. This needs to be doable, and specific in action language (what I would like, rather than what I don’t want-sounds easier than it is if you are like me and know exactly what I don’t want and don’t have a clue about what I really would like!!).
If you have
- Custody battles weighing you down, especially at this time of year
- Teamwork issues in the workplace
- Dramas with your ex
- or you are coping with emotional turmoil in your family or with friends
This upcoming workshop will support you with tools you can use to feel lighter and more confident to ask for what you want.
To Understand and Be Understood
Please join us for a workshop Saturday December 6, 2014
Suite 38A, 6 Jubilee Ave Warriewood 2102
9:30 am – 12:00 midday
These workshops will be run monthly during 2015
PS: Quote above by Scilla Elworthy, a Ted talk worth a look.
Glyn is passionate about communicating the truth with care. She realised an unclaimed source of her own energy is when she can free herself from guilt. Once this freedom is reached she found she could think and communicate more simply and clearly with the courage to ask for what she wanted. Glyn now enables others to more easily have their message heard and the listener more readily agrees to their requests.