When relationships are new, we have an enthusiasm for understanding each other. We ask questions and divulge lots about ourselves. With no fear of rejection.
We accept a lot about each other and ourselves at the start of a relationship and there is not too much time and energy invested in being concerned, or imaging your new friend doesn’t like you. A sense of joy, full choice and lightness exists.
Then the energy investment changes.
Something we try to measure like a financial investment; time and money in, an expectation of love, acceptance, care and attention out. We try to decide are they the ‘right’ one. Am I in the ‘right’ job. Do I have the ‘right’ team around me.?
Communicating our expectations or hopes ongoing seems to be the hard bit for most. We don’t know how to broach it. When things are going smoothly we don’t like to bring up a recent disaster for fear of experiencing it all over again. Here’s an example of what I mean.
Don’t Assume- Become Curious to Sparkle
Most of us have learned the cute little reminder analogy of ASSUME -Assuming makes an ass out of you and me.
I am passionate about listening to people who disagree or who are not being understood by each other.
I hear their frustration when people repeat the same hopes or instructions over and over again or to hear the same thing and suspect nothing will change.
Our lives are so busy with work, family and online that spending time on their relationships is put at the end of the list. And only made important when disaster looms.
An example that happens frequently in relationships
When you ask another person what’s happening for you or …..I am wondering how you feel about what I’ve just said?
Rather than a welcome invitation it can be overwhelming. There are so many thoughts in your head, they might not want to disappoint you by saying they will do something that they are not sure they will remember to do in the future. They don’t want to lie to you as well.
As I see it, we have many thoughts swirling around. Those thoughts stimulate feelings and it can seem like a rush of information. The information is confusing and seem conflicting inside. Something like if it were a maze and there’s a time limit to find your way out. Focus is what you need and panic prevents focus.
When the language of feelings and vulnerability is not your native language, fluency can be difficult. Picture yourself wading through thick mud.
What happens to us when we assume we are ‘challenged’ like this?
Does the brain see this as a game we would like to win? Perhaps a game that we need the rules first to judge how much to divulge.
Or if it seems there is perceived risk involved; we may not want to play at all?
Instead when we guess the feelings and needs it can open a window with fresh ideas and when we relax some strategies can appear quite effortlessly. We find the answers with ease.
Anytime the use of fear, guilt or shame is used to coerce the other (or yourself) into any kind of action, the brain and body will react either by complying or rebelling. The price of both reactions is too high.
We all crave a set of tools to stand in your personal power with confidence and courage. To stand up for what you believe. Assert yourself with compassion without being intimidated, and disagree respectfully without being defensive or overwhelmed.
Glyn is passionate about communicating the truth with care. She realised an unclaimed source of her own energy is when she can free herself from guilt. Once this freedom is reached she found she could think and communicate more simply and clearly with the courage to ask for what she wanted. Glyn now enables others to more easily have their message heard and the listener more readily agrees to their requests.