Children are no different and they can spot a phoney a mile away. When kids see parents arguing it has long term effects on self-esteem and anxiety levels. They learn ways to argue later in their life, partly based on what they observe us adults doing.
I have found this is one of the most often made ‘conversation mistakes’ in close relationships and a top trigger to avoid to reduce conflict, ease anxiety and even create some brownie points for partners and small people. Try it during the school holidays and see if the long haul becomes shorter for you…here it is..
This is where we think we already know where the other person is taking us in a conversation. We think we know what they might say next or how they might say it and become quickly irritated or frustrated when the other person is only half way through a sentence or spiel, or even at the start of their spiel! Some of us are better at holding back than others it seems….
We jump ahead and stop listening; this can be devastating for both. Most people want to be heard, understood and valued. You can interrupt with care, this takes some skill and I cover this in more detail in the coaching packages I offer. When interrupting, be aware you are on borrowed time. In emotionally charged interactions the other person is not as able to hear ‘the you they loved 2 seconds before’ and you need to keep your interruption to 30-60 seconds or no more than 40 words. That’s not many words. (See italics)
Next time experiment with only listening and imagine they are offering you an act of love. This may take some creativity and the first time you try it when you are annoyed it might seem a bit fake, yet when practiced it might create some humour or lightness in the moment; an immediate benefit for both parties.
I just completed a series of free practice groups where we practice keeping our cool and discover strategies to do this and the last one for this year was December 2. Please check with me about dates and times for next year. Please phone me Glyn M: 0406 930 699 or email me firstname.lastname@example.org.
This is what happened during the first one back in November. I apologise in advance for the loose English grammar I have used…far from perfect although I think I communicate the essence of what I want and know previously it’s been well received. Even copied!
I posted the following to www.Facebook.com/nvciskey
‘What an inspiring group practice we had last night. In one hour, 5 people who didn’t know each other were listening with care and voicing their understanding of a person’s pain… all by phone, no body language to assist us. I am inspired not only because most were strangers, not only because we were mixed gender, not just because we hailed from different cultures; because we were willing to listen, give an hour of our time and put ourselves in another’s shoes and make some guesses about what might be going on for them. To be ‘gotten’ in this way feels, as one person in the group that night so eloquently put it, …like ’a breath out’.’
If you missed my last School Holiday Tips here is a link – Are you ready for School Holiday Battlegrounds? Restore order quickly using this effective 5 step process. Keep this valuable method in your back pocket for December.
Glyn is passionate about communicating the truth with care. She realised an unclaimed source of her own energy is when she can free herself from guilt. Once this freedom is reached she found she could think and communicate more simply and clearly with the courage to ask for what she wanted. Glyn now enables others to more easily have their message heard and the listener more readily agrees to their requests.